Office of the President

Across this Stage into the Next: Being Grateful for the Transitions

Just for Parents
By Anna Beth Payne, Associate Dean of Student Life and Director of the Counseling Center

These Web pages are full of the details and logistics that frame graduation as a moment in time. So much of the focus now is on the student: getting gowns, arranging celebratory meals, saying goodbye to friends.

But for parents, graduation is also about commencement, about starting a new time in your life. Being the parent of a college graduate is a significant milestone, every time you do it, for every child. Like bringing your freshman to school that first August, it will be marked with joy and sadness, laughter and tears, tension and release.

It's a good thing that by the time you have adult children, you have accrued 20 or more years of experience in developing the wisdom necessary to guide you through transitions. One SU staff member noted, “I have always been grateful that it takes so long for children to become adults, simply because it took me so long to learn how to be a parent!”

In fact, gratitude may be key to riding the crest of this latest transition. Children are taught early the importance of saying thank you, because even new parents know that beyond courtesy, saying thank you helps teach children how to appreciate all that we are given in life. In return, children give parents much to be grateful for. As one parent has said, “When my children were very little, they had so much fun with the wrapping paper their presents were wrapped in. It always made me laugh, and I'm grateful for that gift.” Adult children learn to see you as real human beings, not necessarily infallible, and this allows you more room to reflect and grow as well.

As Melodie Beattie, journalist and author of 14 books has observed, “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. … It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

There's no doubt that all of you have much to be grateful for as you count down to May 9. Taking the time to intentionally cultivate and nurture a sense of gratitude may be one of the wiser uses of your time. For one thing, cultivating gratitude in an intentional way has been shown to reduce anxiety and depression, as well as to enhance a sense of well-being and happiness. How to do that?

One of the most reliable methods is to keep a gratitude journal. On a regular basis, daily if possible, but at least weekly, just make a list of five things you are grateful for. Try to be focused and specific. If you are grateful for the support of your spouse, think about something specific that was supportive in the day or week. If a call from your child made you smile, focus on the details. Just list them.

Over time, this helps in making transitions happy in two ways. First, being grateful helps ensure that you notice what is going right. Noticing gives you the possibility of expressing appreciation to others, deepening the closeness you want to maintain with your adult children. It provides a memory that can bring back a smile. Second, it helps in maintaining perspective when problems, failures and mistakes occur. You are less likely to over or under react. You remember the strengths and wisdom within both you and your child that you can draw on to handle the situation.

Now is a good time to start a gratitude journal. Imagine listing five things each day, from the first day of this final semester until graduation. That's 118 days, 590 items. Pretty good reading material to have handy on graduation day: Commencement.